As a society, we have become hooked on perfectionism and fulfilling some sort of ideal that exists in our head. Mediocrity is simply not good enough. In fact, anything less than perfect is unacceptable.
We honor our perfectionistic attributes. We believe it is characteristic of a high achiever or martyr and we value this as being part of a minority group.
However, perfectionism is like thirst that can never be quenched. We struggle to achieve ideals that are purely subjective; which makes them completely unattainable. Yet, we continue to tenaciously chase after that ever-elusive carrot on a stick.
Let’s not make asses out of ourselves; hoping to reach an illusionary standard is certainly not going to satisfy our appetites, particularly when the carrot we are chasing is not our own.
We strive for character perfection as we agonize over being the perfect parent, partner, child or employee.
We strive for physical perfection as we fuss and anguish over having the perfect skin, hair and body.
And if that wasn’t enough to handle, we also add absurd pressures to perfect goals, assignments, projects and obligations.
We respond to outstanding. We love success stories, fame, fortune, beauty, power and anything alluring. We work hard trying to keep up with the rat race.
Social media is full of followers and wannabes all fighting for the spotlight. But the bar keeps being raised higher and it’s becoming even more challenging keeping up with the highest of achievers much less settling into our own notoriety.
However, perfectionism is not about achieving perfection nor is it about perfecting things outside of us. It is fundamentally about perfecting the perceived imperfect, flawed or defective self and seeking emotional reward and recognition to stunt or smooth out some of these flaws.
We all want to stand out and be noticed and mediocre or ‘good’ does not shine like excellence. No-one wants to fade into the background even if we have a quiet, shy nature or are a strong independent character. But what may begin as inspiration to succeed can very quickly turn into a laborious obsession.
Reaching for personal goals, dreams and desires is very different to endeavoring perfection in areas that are completely misleading. These delusions are artificial societal expectations. Or should we call it societal madness.
It is our intention behind our actions that makes aiming for perfection delusive. When we are not following our dreams and desires with pure excitement and anticipation then we are captive to perfectionism and spend our days tip-toeing around life.
There is a fine line between what we consider a high achiever or a people pleaser. Whether we are a yes person eager to please others or a workaholic stuck in overdrive, the characteristic traits and intentions of a perfectionist intertwine.
Both behave in a way that will satisfy self – even if that means focusing on pleasing others. Both are action based in trade for emotional gain and work hard toward their goals of perfectionism.
There is a constant craving for external benefits or rewards to fill an emotional void that is believed others can supply.
However, they are only temporary and short-lived which leaves many chronically dissatisfied.
Cunningly, perfectionism has a way of masquerading compliancy as good will and overachiever as conqueror. Unfortunately, they do come with a cost and many will hold onto these titles simply for what they stand for even if they come with an entourage of negative emotions.
‘Not good enough’ has become our precept.
It is the heavy burden we have been carrying and adding to from the very first time we learned who we are or how we did something was not up to external standards. These burdens mushroomed exponentially over time consuming our joy and depleting our confidence.
Due to this feeling of insufficiency and unfulfillment we spend our lives striving for acceptance.
With our ‘overachiever’ and ‘martyr’ labels under our armpits, we set out to collect glorifications from anyone willing to throw us a bone. It is also often the reason why we tend to flounder in self-pity.
The annoying incessant chatter that follows us around meanly criticizing and judging our every effort whilst advising that we shall have our reward when or if we get it ‘right’ – is the culprit to inadequacy.
We make unconscious negotiations with ourselves in hopes and promise that if we are perfect, all our needs will be met. However, as our own worst critics, this is almost highly unlikely. We never seem to reach this pinnacle of perfection because of course, we are convinced we will never be good enough.
Our body will not be the right shape, our efforts toward our relationships will never be adequate and our hard work to fulfill obligations professionally will never be of satisfactory standard.
Such negative beliefs affect our professional productivity, relationships and health. Yet, it is where we dwell indefinitely, never completely feeling whole or up to external measure – as if there is something missing or impaired.
When we are no longer satisfying our own life’s cravings, rather attempting to fulfill outside expectations, it can and will become physically and emotionally draining. What’s worse, free-falling into a bottomless pit of disappointment leads to depression, anxiety and even suicide.
So why do we stubbornly continue to wrestle perfectionism to the ground?
We are the era of validation. When we do not love and appreciate our own beauty, we seek it through others. We want so desperately to be seen, heard, acknowledged and appreciated that we tend to place the most value in how others perceive us.
We seek external validation for proof of worthiness. We want others to fulfill that which we fail to recognize or deny about ourselves. We make others responsible to soothe, fix and disprove that which we personally condemn, reject and dishonor.
Our need to fit in, stand out and be noticed has us working harder at faking our dispositions and mimicking popular behaviors and lifestyles; all the while burning out our own candles. In addition to, we are willing to adapt and alter our dreams and desires to what we believe will be amicably received by the ‘pack’.
We long for and await praise and recognition. Like an addict, a quick shot of acknowledgement and praise provides a temporary upliftment. However, that pat on the back wears off quickly and leaves us craving our next hit. Unfortunately, we need to work tirelessly for it. Those spearheading superlatives are not awarded so freely. It requires dedication and perseverance.
Ironically, others will only see and hear that which we see in ourselves. They can only believe that which we believe about ourselves. Our actions, behavior and body language will be a replicated match to what beliefs we hold internally.
Since almost all of us interpret things at face value, it would be rare to acknowledge critical Carol’s kindness, negative Ned’s optimism or fearful Fred’s enthusiasm. We cannot be recognized for something we do not believe exists and we cannot naturally behave in a way that we fail to acknowledge in ourselves.
When we view something as flawed, we question its reliability, accuracy and authenticity. Flaws stand out like a bruise. We place so much emphasis on perfection and getting it right that we become harshly critical of imperfections.
So, we either better get our ‘perfect’ on or face being tossed in the trash like our resume for having forgotten to add a period at the end of a sentence.
Yes, spelling errors could cost us a job opportunity, missing a goal during a tight football match could cost us our career, displaying disfavored emotions or character traits could cost us a relationship. We expect flawless, superhuman, every time – no exceptions or excuses.
However, we often spotlight what we consider are our imperfections drawing others’ attention to them whilst struggling to hide or camouflage the very imperfections we ourselves illuminate. Kind of like pointing out our cellulite, disfigured legs or love handles to our partners while attempting to shamefully hide and cover these flaws as best we can.
Meanwhile, after a five minutes rant of dissatisfaction we expect an equal five minutes rebuttal disproving this ridiculously flawed idea. We’ll make our partners responsible for soothing our insecurities. And we’ll need this reminder quite frequently otherwise we’ll be spending an excessive amount of time trying to fix these flaws by dragging our cellulite, disfigured butts to the gym, eating bland salads and crying our woes and sorrows for not feeling worthy.
What we perceive as imperfect are purely our differences. Our flaws only exist when we distance ourselves from our authenticity. Ironically, we try to hide the diversities that set us apart yet crave to stand out and be noticed.
Anyone would agree that an organically grown strawberry, allowed to grow at its own pace is far more appealing and nutrient packed than one that is artificially grown, adapted and modified to look ‘perfect’.
Unfortunately, people of value are measured by their appearance, success, financial status, intelligence and how well they can keep it together under pressure. When we set this as a standard, anything beneath that is not good enough. In which, our only options become either raising to that bar or reaching beyond it and setting a new standard.
Women transform their appearance as they desperately struggle to hold onto and maintain their youth. They work hard at aesthetic perfection hoping to be noticed. In addition to, they attempt to juggle family and career; each with their own demands. They want to be the ‘perfect’, attentive, nurturing parent and spouse whilst fulfilling heavy expectations and responsibilities at work.
Men burden themselves with enormous amounts of stress and pressure to be successful and excellent providers for their family.
Children feel overwhelmed to perfect grades and fulfill their parents’ wishes to become what is expected and preferred of them.
I have watched people go above and beyond their responsibilities at work; voluntarily tacking on extra unpaid hours and yet continuing to feel frustrated and unappreciated.
I have witnessed my sixty-year-old father perpetually going above and beyond every effort to win his parents’ affection. I have seen him cry tears of defeat and a broken heart questioning his character and why he was not deserving of his parents’ full love and acceptance.
And I have been the girlfriend and even wife who has fussed and pampered her partner, strived to score brownie points for being an all-in-one-package and worked hard to be the perfect servant, cheerleader, caretaker and completely devoted lover. After all, excellence stands out and standing out meant being noticed. It also brought attention and as long as focus was maintained on me, it translated into being worthy.
This may be all good and well if it is reciprocated and appreciated. However, when the intention of our actions is for emotional gain, it will show up as resentment, insecurity and frustration when our insecurities have not been soothed and our worthiness has not been validated over and over and over again.
Personal character traits of what once was relevant has become outdated. Role models in the modern egocentric society look quite different to the boring personality type many generations ago.
Nowadays, kindness, generosity and reliability are often seen as a weakness as if exposing of vulnerabilities. Therefore, we tend to judge these qualities or attempt to harden them in order to protect ourselves from emotional harm. However, our actions should not be an exchange for emotional profit and fulfilment, nor should our authenticity be adjusted to accommodate a stiff perfectionistic standard.
Kindness should not be modified to portray a tough exterior. Expression of love should not be altered to portray a strong character. Enthusiasm and passion should not be silenced to appear powerful.
We know our own excellence but care too much whether others see it. It’s almost as if we require others to acknowledge it in order to validate its truth and our worth.
But it isn’t about how others receive us. It isn’t about scoring points, likes, followers or popularity. It is about living truthfully and joyously in our own beautiful, physical vessels; fulfilling all that our heart desires.
When we know our extraordinary, why cheapen our worth by requiring others to fill our cup?
There isn’t anything anyone could give us or add to that could compare or come close to our inner brilliance.
If there were such a standard of perfectionism, it would look and feel like: kindness, love, joy, clarity, eagerness and authenticity.
Find ways to connect with self and have the courage to live honestly. Live your truth no matter who is watching or what opinion they may have about it.
Nothing is more appealing or powerful than one who is authentic and completely connected to self. Authenticity is he who loves himself without conditions and validations, can laugh at herself and all her quirky non-typical ways and embrace his own individuality.
Remember, even that which is infinite and ever expanding is imperfect. Perfection cannot know itself or be complete without its imperfections.
That which is flawless and untouched is non-existent for it is the contrasts and flaws alike that propel us into expansion, greatness and infinite continuum of this thing called life.
Perfectionism is suggestive of a means to an end as though we are trying to reach a pinnacle.
However, in a world of infiniteness – ever moving, ever changing, and ever expanding – nothing remains still or the same.
Our desire for more and greater will continue to carry us toward higher perfectionistic standards..
Therefore, there will never be absolute satisfaction in who we are, what we do or have because of our natural desire to keep moving. There will always be a desire, want and requirement for more, better, best!
However, there is profound joy, love and appreciation for who we are and how we choose to experience this physical life.
Perfectionism is a flawed premise. It is merely a yearning for self- connection, self-love and self-acceptance.
Choose joy over perfectionism.
Choose self love over validation.
Choose yourself over others.
Stand tall in your own essence.
Know your beauty! Nurture it, appreciate it and love it without the conditions and standards of perfectionism.
When perfectionism is limited to conditions and contained within disciplined boundaries, it goes against that which it stands for.
It is only that which remains free and flowing that dwells in infinite perfection.
Free yourself from the perfectionistic bondage. Refrain from clipping your wings, caging and containing yourself into the fabricated, perceived perfect.
Instead, allow yourself the freedom to fly, and to sour at your own heights of joy!