Saying, ‘I am sorry’ is not for those most stubborn among us. But that does not give them a pass. ‘I am sorry’ is a difficult statement for many. And it is generally not about admitting our actions were ‘wrong’, rather accepting that we are somehow flawed. While our errors do not define us, unfortunately, society certainly make them a staple of our character.
On the flip side, there are also those who seem to annoyingly follow every sentence and action with an apology. These beautiful people subconsciously feel that if they merely sprinkle apology magic all over the place, it will protect them from judgment and blame.
And of course, no one likes to apologize for something others have negatively misconstrued.
But a true apology is acknowledging how we negatively affect someone. It is not the obvious ways we can physically, emotionally, or verbally hurt each other. It is recognizing we are influencers, and we all participate in trying to control how others act, think, and make decisions based on our most dominant fears and insecurities.
Our family, loved ones, and all those nearest and dearest to us will feel the greatest strain of our ‘loving’ demands. We often never quite notice how powerfully we influence each other when we believe what we are doing, asking, or demanding is coming from a place of love or how we want to be loved.
Except you see, love has no conditions or boundaries. Love is not bondage. It is not about sacrifice. And it is never even about selflessness. While we may appreciate how much someone does or has done for us, it is not the true indicator of love.
Pure love is one we never have to be sorry for. And it certainly is not one we need to be giving up something for either. Rather, the purest love is the kind with no restrictions, guidelines, rules, or boundaries. It is the kind that allows us to be all that we are without questions or expectations. And it never worries how something will affect it. It simply trusts, appreciates and honors others are doing their best to live and experience their life most authentically.
And so, in honor of my partner in life, whom I chose for his gentle nature. Whose affections and deep love never waiver. Whose passion and lust for life are extensive and rampant. And whose constant eagerness to explore and create something new to satisfy his gluttonous appetite remains restless.
Here is what I know.
Through his eyes, the world is a playground; even as we strive to make him see and yield to the system. He has great appreciation for the natural resources available to him. He enjoys nature and nature’s creatures because he sees himself as part of them. He sees himself in them. Therefore, feels a sense of connection with them.
Nature does not attempt to insert itself and its demands upon him. There is mutual respect and honor for the presence of all respective energies. Therefore, there is consistent cooperation and joy in their rendezvous together. And he embraces this with deep gratitude and a sense of belonging.
He is a free, youthful spirit. Though his mind has been and can be influenced by others and his heart can carry the burdens of those around him, his spirit is too pure and too powerful to remain chained by these. It will always seek connection. It will always recognize ‘home’ where it feels light and easy. Where the dreams, visions and voices are his own. Where there is joy, clarity and most importantly, freedom.
His greatest accomplishment is his connection with self. It is not about success, fame, or money. Nor is it about overcoming challenges. Though they all play a significant role in his life when people are watching or judging. And he too will succumb to society’s narrow mind by trying to fit best into the more acceptable and likeable frame. However, he has the envied ability to silence it or at the very least, temporarily escape it.
His adventure seeking soul is one who revels in the joy of discovery. His thirst for connectedness, empowerment and unity abounds within nature’s beauty and alignment. He will immerse himself deep into the woods where he can feel the natural pulse and vibration of the Earth within his veins.
He is frequently seduced by nature’s charm and wastes no opportunity to merge with her harmony and balance. And he will climb the most rugged peaks where he can anchor himself in all its sublimity. Where he knows he will be secretly greeted with no greater power than the power felt being at one with the grandeur of all that is and all that ever will be. There, he will pause for a long moment inhaling her majesty.
There is no thing and no one that has ever or could ever grant the gift of absolute liberation like nature does. Where there are not the needy burdens of those around him who demand attention. Where there is not the negative noise of doubtful hearts. Where there are no duties or responsibilities that await within a timeframe, criteria, or order.
There is only self. A never more alert and present self. Some would call it a state of meditation. Except, his sensors are not muted so that he can best hear, see, and feel his inner being. Rather, they are amplified and intensified. With every smell that halts him in his tracks, every sound that captures his attention, every sight that takes his breath away, and every step that makes his heart skip a beat, only lends to ignite his soul over and over again.
And so, you see, it is for this reason, as someone who has come into this world with a clear mind, pure heart, and eager soul there are never words more fitting than ‘I am sorry’. Sorry for the myriad of ways the world attempts to alter, mute or pollute any part of him.
As I have watched the tug-o-war between what his soul craves and what the world demands of him, I have come to understand what it means to witness the affects of spiritual suppression.
When we live authentically, even for just a moment, everything lights up. Our eyes twinkle, our face glows, our smile broadens, our posture straightens and we feel alive and energized. Unfortunately, we can be shut down almost as quickly as we light up due to an external influence.
Though we all succumb to the effects of societal bondage, watching someone else’s light dim is heart wrenching which ultimately became the motivator and inspiration to write a letter of apology.
To my love,
As an expression of my fondness, there are three words which will dominate this post and it will not be the three frequently heard.
Through my gratitude for you and all that I have come to know and appreciate about you, this is my letter of apology.
With all the titles you hold as a partner, son, grandson, brother, uncle, son/brother-in-law and friend. And for all the responsibilities we hold you accountable for in relation to these, I am sorry.
While you come with enthusiasm and eagerness to explore this earth, this life, and this physical experience; we insist on making some adjustments.
I am sorry for every judgment that dented or denied your spirit, for every demand that altered your dreams and for every criticism that distorted your self-perception.
We have made you responsible for how we feel. We have depended on you to soothe our inner fears and worries and held you accountable for our insecurities and lack of self-love. We throw expectations at you to fill your life in a way that is comfortable, safe, pleasing and most fitting for us. We coerce you to fulfill our needs so that we can feel good about ourselves. We pressure you to live your life in a way that suits our vision and our version of living.
Through our desperate attempt to make you hear us and conform to our rules and standards, we proclaim it as our love for you as our way to make our point more powerful. We see this youthful lightness and we say we want to protect it, but our shields block the radiance that is you. We have bound you with layers of restrictions that suffocate your mind and heart.
We see you dreaming, and we quickly redirect your attention back to the ‘safety’ of society’s boundaries and expectations. We notice you following your desires and we strongly emphasize the anticipated burdensome responsibilities that must take precedents. We see your essence, your purity, your youth and want to alter it because through you, we are reminded of what we are cowardly unwilling to seize ourselves.
When you have been most sure of your choices, we made you doubt them. When you have been most excited about your endeavors, we deflated them.
We have managed to poison your optimistic thoughts and ideas with fear and worry.
I am sorry we clipped your wings in order to keep you ‘safe’. I am sorry we used guilt and shame to keep you tamed. I am sorry we used our love to make you more like us and less like you.
It is only that we have forgotten what it feels like to fly. To fly with purpose, with independence and certainty.
There is only one person you are supposed to be, that is the ever changing and evolving you.
Though our actions as partners are considered ‘normal’ by society, like most, our marriage is balanced between ups and downs. How we indulge in our ups and overcome our downs is what binds us. We laugh, we bicker, we play, and we argue. And like all couples, we automatically fall into marital promises, expectations, and parameters. But, whilst our bond and our love are fierce, there are human learned consistencies and insecurities we often fall into. These preconditioned beliefs combined with our vulnerabilities are the culprits for stirring up unnecessary and detrimental effects to one’s inner being. Being aware of our actions and words and how they powerfully influence one another beyond what is considered ‘normal’ takes practice and awareness.
Therefore, it is through my utmost appreciation for you that I acknowledge my own behavior and attitude.
For every tear you have shed I was responsible for … I am sorry.
For every disappointed glance my eyes sold you on … I am sorry.
For every word uttered that convinced you, you were not enough… I am sorry.
I am sorry for demanding a ‘better’ you so that I could be a ‘better’ me.
I am sorry for any time I loved you conditionally.
I am sorry I too became part of society’s negative voice and influence.
More importantly, I appreciate you and I am grateful for you.
And I am thankful to explore this Earth with you.
I want to say … I see you. I understand you. I know you.
You bear such profound innocence . Not the naive, oblivious kind. But an innocence that radiates purity. Like every child, you understand life – to play, to explore and to create. And you live by these faithfully.
I know no other who lives life as flawlessly and with unparalleled eagerness. Even as the world will attempt to compress your brilliance, for the most part, you have managed to successfully evade being imprisoned within the mind of the masses.
I am proud of you and immensely grateful to have you in my life and by my side as a consistent reminder that all that ever is and ever will be is right here in this moment. How we choose to experience ‘this’ moment will be guided by our inner being or by the noise of our influencers.
Though it is important you accept the three words and ‘take to heart’ my letter of apology, it is with greater desire you earnestly hold onto and ‘take to soul’ the four that follow directly after …
I love you unconditionally.