If there was a name for a virus that affected the livelihood of our physical existence, it would be ‘what if’! Mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health are necessities to a joyful, fulfilling life. However, the growing volume, strength and influence of ‘what ifs’ are gradually becoming an epidemic!
These two little words, that do not hold more than one syllable each can affect, influence and change the course of one’s entire life experience. These two words can haunt you in your sleep, be the reason for elevated anxiety, throbbing headaches, tight chest, endless tears and even the reason why you just want to ‘check out’.
They can stunt or break a dream and smear toxic poisons all over what used to be a purely inspired passion. They can ruin relationships, damage friendships and crumble careers; all from a single bogus ‘what if?’
If you ever wondered who is responsible for your disappointments…. it is ‘what if’!
If you were ever curious how clarity and certainty could turn into confusion and doubt…it is ‘what if’!
If you ever pondered how something that felt so right could suddenly feel so wrong…..it is ‘what if’!
They’re like that one colleague with a bad attitude that somehow always shows up and can ruin a perfectly good day with a simple comment. The one that is always complaining, demands answers and likes to put a damper on everything.
We are all well acquainted with these two incredibly influential words. We can say we have spoken and heard them equally. They’re part of our daily worrisome dialogue. When we are not throwing ‘what ifs’ at ourselves, we are generously bestowing others with them.
Sometimes, we don’t even feel we need to point out the ‘what if’ factor. When we really want to make a point, we’ll leave them out simply so that what follows is emphasized with greater intensity, purpose and sense of urgency. For example, ‘What if I end up alone for the rest of my life?’ could easily turn into the matter-of -fact: ‘I will end up alone for the rest of my life!’
If there were ever two joint words more exploited and disfavored, it would be these two. Never have two words been more powerful and concurrently debilitating than what follows them.
When it comes to fear-driven thoughts, images and beliefs, we are never more creative than what ensues a ‘what if?’ In fact, we could give a list of what if scenarios on any given topic in one sitting. There are more fear-driven projections collectively than there are leaves of every tree on the planet!
They range from personal what ifs that jeopardize our dreams, goals and joy to universal what ifs that threaten the extinction of all of life on Earth.
There is no shortage of potential apocalypses: super volcanoes, radiation, ice-age, absorption of the sun, asteroid threat – to name a few.
There is no shortage of potential termination to personal goals, dreams and desires. If we can imagine it, ANYTHING could threaten the full fruition of these.
We are consumed with infinite possibilities of doom that we become imprisoned by our minds!
Sometimes, by the time we are done dreaming our dream, it has lost its strength and significance. When a dream becomes contaminated beyond repair, it can completely alter our experience of it.
So why do we participate and dwell on fear-driven thoughts, and beliefs that are hindering?
Well, the sole reason is due to our belief that something outside of us has control and that we are merely the reactors to life rather than the creators of it.
Based on this rationale, we attempt to overcome them in two ways: prevention and preparedness.
“Good things will come but one must maintain awareness of the negatives at all times” was frequently expressed by my wonderful mother as if annoyed by my frivolous ways with life. She saw perpetual fun as lack of maturity which translated into not taking life seriously. It wasn’t that she was against my playful nature; her concern came from the belief that to deny potential risks, dangers, misfortunes or threats would be to walk through life without a survival kit.
Like many, she has always felt that the most effective way to avoid negative situations is through acknowledgement, awareness and preparedness of them. Anyone who floats through life with joy and optimism is foolish and naïve.
A wise person is someone who makes smart decisions and smart decision makers are not risk takers. They certainly do not rely on optimism. They are not flighty or fickle. They are not spontaneous or impulsive. They are planners and problem solvers.
The irony is, once these fear-driven thoughts have been acknowledged and invited into our mind and our emotions; they comfortably take front seat of our desires causing mayhem. Preparedness is practicing it, expecting it, planning for it and organizing our life around that which we believe is on its way to us.
Though we can appreciate being precautionary, it also sucks the fun out of life. It no longer is about enjoying it, rather, surviving it and merely getting through the day.
When we feel most alive and inspired to be, do, have something of importance, all those ‘what ifs’ start to come out of the woodwork. Maybe not so loud at first. Generally, the excitement far outweighs the negative, curve-throwing, nuisance thoughts. We know they are there, we can at times feel them but the eagerness and intensity of this high supersedes any vexatious imposters.
That is, until someone else has something to say about it!
And we all have something to say about someone else’s decisions, choices, actions, dreams and desires.
Like the time my little family and I announced we were packing up and moving closer to the mountains. We heard the mountains calling for quite some time. Our conversations were filled with details of every way our senses would be aroused and pleased by the beauty. We shared stories and visions and we would often squint our eyes and pretend distant clouds or buildings were mountain peaks. We submerged ourselves in youtube videos, maps, images, stories and anything we could find that stimulated this desire. Until one day, our stars aligned and we knew that day, that time had arrived.
There were a mix of emotions from our family and friends. Our friends were mostly excited for our new adventure. Our families? Well, not so much. Mostly because it opened doors to all the what ifs.
‘What if you don’t end up liking it and you gave up your beautiful home?’, ‘What if you can’t sustain your business there?’, ‘What if you can’t generate jobs and income?’, ‘What if something happens and WE are not close enough to help?’, ‘What if something happens and YOU are not close enough to help?’, ‘What if you get attacked by a bear, wolf, mountain lion?’, ‘What if you injure yourselves on one of your hikes or fall off a cliff?’
Then there were those statements made to emphasize the seriousness of this change. When ‘what ifs’ are eliminated and a question becomes a statement, you know there is a point waiting to be made and these will come out like loose cannons. They will get up in your face and challenge you.
‘You are making a foolish decision!’, ‘You are playing childish games with life!’, ‘You are so far from the only family you have and distancing yourself from your only source of support!’, ‘You need to start all over again’, ‘You will be alone out there!’, ‘You’re giving up a perfectly beautiful home!’.
It basically screamed, ‘Why would you live your life in the way that I wouldn’t or in the fearful way my mind lives it?’ Which is exactly the point. We are not living that life! None of us are. No-one wants nor dreams to live the life of a ‘what if’! They serve no purpose than to create major ripples in our lives or worse yet, colossal waves.
Eventually, the initial shock of the news subsides and our new adventure is somewhat accepted. However, the what ifs do not disappear. They maintain their ground until disproven for unless they are disproven, they remain a possibility. This is about the time the regular check-ins occur: ‘Do you like it?’, ‘Have you met anyone?’, ‘Have you generated any clients, leads?’, ‘When will ……. happen?’, ‘How will it happen?’
Worry, worry, worry!
It can be incredibly exhausting soothing others’ fears. What’s worse is disproving them which ultimately means we must not only promise that everything will work out perfectly but back it up with evidence. This can be intimidating and burdening for now the original impulse or inspiration of the dream has turned into an agonizing objective to prove it.
Most of the time, rather than focusing, imagining and moving toward the most invigorating and gratifying life experiences; we spend more time soothing others’ fears, explaining our choices, soothing others’ fears, justifying our actions, soothing others’ fears, proving our position, soothing others’ fears!
Sometimes some of our most exciting plans can make others a nervous wreck. Unless we are someone carefree and translucent to these types of fears, they can be quite deflating and damaging. The path that once looked bright and clear can quickly become obstructed with all sorts of obstacles and impediments that did not initially exist.
Often, we say these fears come from love and concern, when in fact this type of ‘love’ can decrease the momentum of strong, good flowing energy. More importantly, it is easy to lose direction when our inner intuitive guidance is drowned within the noise of mind-based chatter.
We do this with our partners by packing and stuffing guilt and fear-related thoughts; should these desires and impulses not go according to vision or plan. If they crumble at our constant pressures and all our negative fear-driven garbage along with demands of proof and promise, then they fail at being trusted.
We do this in particularly and most heavily with our children no matter what age we/they are because obviously, we/they will always be perceived as having less experience, be less perceptive, aware or knowledgeable than elders.
And we most certainly return the ‘favor’ to our parents through our frequent reminders of all the things they can and can’t do or should and shouldn’t do due to their age and fragility.
We spew what ifs, planting variety of worrisome thoughts all over the place suffocating and crippling genuine interests and desires.
We can’t seem to mind our own thoughts, our own fears and our own business. We do not like the feeling of fear-related thoughts but for some reason we stay there for days, weeks and even years crying our woes and sorrows and feeling victim to non-existing delusions.
Some of those interests that started off like a blazing flame diminish to a flicker. That grand dream we started running toward with power and excitement slowed to a walk and some of us even stopped and turned back altogether.
Momentum is lost through our what ifs!
Passion is lost through our what ifs!
Focus is lost through our what ifs!
More importantly, our present is lost through our what ifs!
When our focus has shifted to a bogus belief, it hinders our desire. It hinders our destination, journey and fire about it.
Often we are required to answer questions and provide guarantees to what ifs we cannot completely promise. However, our lives are not about fulfilling promises to others. They are about living joyfully and most authentically in whichever weird and wonderful way is befitting.
What ifs will show up. It should not make or break our choices. Ironically, none of these would show up as often if we were not already in the vicinity of them. We would not feel the fear of ‘what ifs’ if we were not already afraid of them. They would not be so easily acknowledged if we were not already seeing them.
The ‘what ifs’ do not exist! We make them up. We steal them from each other and use them somewhere else. We take notes, share them and store them in our memory. We repeat and recycle them and then await them anxiously, fearfully, sadly and angrily. Our fears are imagery. They are first imagined. They do not exist until we pluck them out of our imagination.
No matter what we decide for ourselves, when it feels exhilarating, then it is right where we need to be. When it feels enlivening, uplifting, exciting then we are ripe and ready for the experience. Provided we do only that which feels invigorating, all else is insignificant.
Fall deeply in love with life. Live it authentically, youthfully. Live like no-one is watching or you do not care who is watching! Even when the fears of others come barging in with all their dream-crushing stuff, do it anyway! Live it anyway!
We are not required to listen to other people’s fears, and it is ok to get up and walk away or even hang up the phone if need be. Trust that everyone knows what is best for them. Trust that you know what is best for you. Trust that life will always deliver your every desire!
Maintain the feelings, thoughts and images that feel best. Be joyous. Don’t take life so seriously. It’s just life. Make it how you wish. Explore it and revel in all has to offer.
There are no rules or guidelines to how your life should be lived. That is human nonsense. Live like you are on vacation. Be free and curious. Trust that it is all working out. There are no obstacles other than the ones that exist in your mind.
Be the ultimate dreamer and visionary! Be the explorer and adventure seeker! Be the rock climber or ballet dancer. Be the single, unmarried mother or the married, gay father. Be an entrepreneur or volunteer worker.
Sleep under the stars, in a van, on the beach. Take a road trip around the country or sail around the world. Do things out of your comfort zone. Live outside the boundaries.
Live curiously! Live boldly! Live abundantly!
Live life like an announcement- not a question!