We have all been stung by the venom of judgment. That name calling, labeling, finger pointing, rage inducing, crucifying and all that dramatic stuff kind of word. It’s that thing people do when they believe form objective opinions and come to their own conclusions based on circumstantial evidence, stereotypes, an isolated incident or simply because something is not the way they perceive it to be or want it to be.
We could not walk through a room full of people without being plucked apart in silent judgement like seagulls to a fry. We know it. We feel it. And we’ll do our best to maintain our composure or be as invisible as possible.
Regrettably, we cannot escape judgement any more than we can escape our parents, pets, children or partners for a silent moment. It’s there, lurking behind new unfamiliar eyes or waiting to pounce with objections and criticisms from just about everyone else. Don’t be fooled, even those who love us will not shy away from sharing their opinions or judgments. It’s part of love. It’s part of hate. It’s part of fear and insecurity.
It’s part of life.
We will encounter judgment every time we walk out the door and sometimes even before we make it there. Majority of the time we would not know it but when we do, it will sting. Yet, let’s not be so quick to throw any pity parties. We too have judged and will continue to sentence others to life-long labels and unfortunately, we would also be the first to throw a jab at ourselves before we have even brushed our teeth.
We are mere spectators exposed to many facets and varying stories of another’s being, Along with external influences, our perspectives, beliefs and how we choose to live our lives will sway from making us an easy target to becoming a hefty dart thrower ourselves. This is inevitable.
But does this make it right?
Well, there is more to judgement than simply assigning someone with a hasty tag.
Stories, lifestyles and everything we observe trigger things in us. Watch the news for an hour and witness that pleasant and kind self transform into an offensive, vulgar, cussing and cursing beast. Media has tendency to intentionally initiate and perpetuate stories to induce judgmental thoughts, emotions and behaviors we often easily become a casualty of.
With all the gossip, shame, scandals, protests, rumors and humiliation, the world has gone mad! And as long as the spotlight is not on us, we love to feast on this garbage.
There are no rules and there is no perfect, safe image to hide behind. It doesn’t exist because if you haven’t noticed, we are all different; in every way an individual can be different.
Therefore, sometimes the appearance of someone may be enough to irritate us when that which we view as trashy, slutty, thuggish, plastic, sloppy or ugly is simply inappropriate and unpleasant.
Or maybe the way someone behaves is provoking because their loud, obtrusive, mute, stuck up, flamboyant ways are not our kind of flavor.
Or maybe other people’s opinions just seem painfully annoying because anyone thinking or believing outside of our opinions and perspectives are absolutely and unequivocally wrong. And it can be tremendously frustrating trying to open people’s eyes to how wrong they are and how right we are. The tug-o-war between two opposing ‘truths’ can be quite comical.
We could be as petty with our judgments such as labeling someone as uneducated or stupid simply because of incorrect grammar or pronunciation; or as dramatic as politicians by bullying and trashing each other’s weaknesses and past experiences for personal interest and gain.
However, the true theatrics rests in our actions. How we deliver our opinions and how we manage criticism is essential. Because if we do not handle either well, they could unnecessarily lead to retaliation, depression, aggression, suicide and even war.
Comprehending what activates our damnatory, moralist attitude may assist us to move from judgement to understanding. Understanding helps us step away from our clouded egotistical views. When we dig deeper, we find the authenticity behind people’s words, actions, fears and insecurities. We find truth and vulnerability. We find commonality.
So, what makes us so inclined to judge?
Judgment is part of this evaluation and preference process. We are constantly forming opinions about everything we see, hear, taste, touch, smell and experience. It is part of analyzing what we want and do not want. And it is only through the opportunities of contrast and variety that we are capable of being selective. Like picking our favorite flowers from a meadow, deciding on our preferred food from a buffet or choosing the people we hang out with.
Contrasts allow us to become more specific about what we want. With an abundance of diverse options, there is a continued assembling of new ideas, views, concepts, perspectives, opinions and desires. Like adding our own ingredients to our masterpiece.
Of course, there is a difference between judgement and opinion. Whilst judgements are largely due to a distorted lens composed of one’s prejudices and limitations, many of our opinions can be favorable. We can find people attractive or their confidence appealing and their lifestyles desirable. It isn’t a sword fight every time. But when our artillery comes out, there is something deeper going on internally we feel obligated to protect and defend or have an urgency to destroy presumed threats.
We form opinions because that is our way of creating. It is reinventing, modifying and molding to suit our perspective. Of course, this perspective is ever changing so our opinions will also shift to coincide with this evolvement.
Sometimes these perspectives can change rather quickly depending on our mood or insecurities.
A successful businessman/woman may have been someone we admired until we received another bill in the mail to remind us of our financial insecurity changing our view of them from fortunate, to entitled snobs. Or a very attractive man/woman may have been someone we appreciated until he/she caught the eye of our partner which influenced our opinion of them from beautiful to stuck-up. Or a person who has done a good deed in the community may have been someone we admired until our mother reminded us that we are nothing like them which warped our perspective of them from good-hearted to a pompous fake.
Though our opinions and perspectives flow in harmony with the stream of our imagination, thoughts and emotions; without opinions, we are merely observers. Except, we do not have the capacity to be strictly observers, nor would we want to. It is virtually impossible for us to go five minutes without having an opinion or judgment about something.
While observation alone may make a great sociologist, it is not the best paradigm for our physical existence. Without judgment or opinion, we would not be stirring up any contrast. Contrast is the fundamental ingredient to expansion. Without something to compare to, without diversity; growth is not possible. The greater the contrast, the stronger the desire. The stronger the desire, the more intense the emotion. The more intense the emotion, the more powerful the momentum. The more powerful the momentum, the faster the expansion.
Frankly, it is due to this stupendous speed that physical life exists. But we’ll leave that to the scientists and stick to ruffling each other’s feathers.
We live in an abundantly diverse world. It is this diversity which makes us eternal beings. The smorgasbord of people, thoughts and stories combined is enough to satisfy our creative gluttonous appetites for eons of lifetimes.
Diversity is expansion! With every interaction, we exchange variation – sparking or giving birth to something new all day long. A new desire, idea or thought. A more intense craving for something greater. A more powerful yearning for change. It is the very reason for infiniteness.
All of who we are includes a myriad of thoughts, beliefs and stories we have gathered along the way. Every miniscule experience, every emotion, reaction, belief, idea, opinion, every creature we have encountered, every sensory experience, every person we have ever come into contact with along with their own personal entourage of stuff and every single heartbeat is the make-up of all we are in this very moment…until the next moment.
So, where does the motivation for judgement come from? There are many. Though ultimately, they all lead back to the same source – how we perceive self.
We are constantly evaluating and interpreting everything we hear, see, taste, touch, smell and experience. How we interpret something is the distance between who we are and who we perceive ourselves to be. What we see when we observe someone is either extending from love or not and when it is not, it is coming from a place of fear and insecurity. What we perceive when we observe ourselves is either extending from love or not and when it is not, it is coming from a place detachment and separation.
Except fear and insecurity have their own ways of construing stories. And disconnection from self has a way of blaming and shaming others. They must, in order to coincide with our emotions and make sense of them.
When we feel good about who we are and where we are in our lives, we generally have a happy demeanor and an overall lightness about us. We are genuinely happy for our friend’s success. We recognize our neighbor may be having a hard day when he/she does not wave back or say hello. We avoid negative nonsense and conversations that may affect our good mood. We have a lust for life and enjoy interactions with people.
But when we are not feeling so good about who we are or where we are in our life, everything becomes increasingly annoying. Especially that successful friend who we resent for being so successful. In fact, we resent happy people in general. We make everyone’s reaction a personal issue. Therefore, our neighbor becomes an arrogant jerk for not saying hello and the world overall is responsible for our negative experiences.
We indulge in negative, hypocritical conversations filled with gossip and slander. We prefer to bond with other judgers and smear judgment all over the place so that we are not alone in our dark judgment-filled space. Mostly, we want people to pay for our ‘victimhood’.
‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ is a phrase some of us try to live by. However, what we instead are doing to others is what we have already done to ourselves. When we treat ourselves with love, kindness, appreciation and respect, so too would we treat others in the same manner. On the other hand, when we are often criticizing, judging and labeling ourselves, then so too would we approach others with the same attitude.
“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself”. Wayne Dyer
Judgement always reveals something about us. Behind every label and criticism, there is a hidden fear, insecurity and detachment. Typically, the way we see or measure ourselves is the same manner which we view and measure others. Mostly, depending on how we assess our own lives will determine how we judge others. Whether we measure it by success, relationships, intellect or appearance; our judgements will be generated by that which drives us and is led by our beliefs.
If we are perfectionists, we expect perfection from others and when they fail, we judge harshly as we would ourselves.
If we are people pleasers, we expect to be pleased by others and when they fail, we judge bitterly as we would ourselves.
If we are hard-working, we expect others to be equally as hard working and when they fail, we judge firmly as we would ourselves.
We also judge others for the negative qualities we dislike in ourselves. Therefore, if we perceive ourselves as lazy, ugly, aggressive, deceitful or unfaithful, then so too would we be inclined to judge people for these qualities.
Sometimes we would much rather be right than harmonious. We view sympathy as an undeserving free pass to unwanted behavior which ultimately makes us unwilling to understand anything outside our standards.
This type of attitude can become condemning. Condemning those who do not share the same values or beliefs. Condemning those who do not change their conditions, behaviors or beliefs so that we can feel better and safer in ours. Condemning those feeling, thinking, acting outside our comfort zones.
Condemnation is deeply disserving because we maintain a strong focus on misery and adversity. It would be like condemning certain flowers in the meadow simply because they were not to our liking or condemning particular food from a buffet because they were not to our taste.
Judgment closes our eyes to the beauty, abundance and clarity of life. It closes our minds from variation, inspiration, insight and knowledge. And it closes our hearts from acceptance, love and unity.
Most times, it is easier to judge because we do not have to evaluate ourselves. We do not have to face our fears and insecurities. We do not have to be understanding, accepting or kind. It is easier to point blame or be the victim and demand others to change than to dare adjust our attitude.
But there are simple ways to bridge the gap.
One of the simplest is finding commonality. Regardless of how ‘different’ we believe we are, the similarities that exist even among those we find most peculiar or we are most opposing of, will surprise us. However, if we struggle to find one, there are a few we can implicitly rely on.
We are all physical beings who come into this world for the purpose of expansion. We are all pure, positive energy coupled with a broad, complex mind and emotional instability. We are equally pliable, adaptable and susceptible to external influences, beliefs, perceptions and prejudices. More importantly, we all want to be accepted, appreciated and loved.
Judgment is merely a habit heavily influenced by comparison. Stepping away from judgment would be to step away from comparison and the need to group everything as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. It would also mean refraining from placing our self into ‘better’ or ‘worse’ categories and simply be an observer.
Avoiding coming to warped negative conclusions about others based on our own insecurities or superiorities can be challenging. However, it is also hindering our appreciation of them and misleading of their authenticity.
In the words of Albert Einstein, ‘Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid’.
When we value and love who we are, we are not concerned with who ‘they’ are. In fact, it is none of our business and we no longer care to invest time evaluating, envying or devaluing others in order to know our own worth. Only when we understand our own worth, are we capable of seeing the value of others…without judgment.
Everybody is perfect, but if you judge an elephant by its ability to behave like a mouse, it will live its whole life believing it is flawed.
Seeing the best in people beyond their physical appearance, successes and failures and even their actions is powerful. When we do not require a criterion checklist to decide which labels best fit our perception of them and where they stand in relationship to our perception of self, we practice appreciation.
Furthermore, how we feel about ourselves is not governed by our impression of others nor is it guided by others’ opinion of us.
Appreciating someone extends from our higher, broader self. Appreciation is enough to help others rise above their own self-criticisms and if even for a moment, be the better version of themselves.
Kindness is easy when people are being kind. Generosity is easy when people are being generous. And judgment is easy when others are also being judgmental. But it takes a wise man to understand that kindness is most impactful where it is absent. And he is not only able to recognize this but knows his own power to masterfully execute it.