Whose life are you living?

Whose life are you living? Well, you could not be living anyone else’s life but your own right? No-one can get inside your body, think your thoughts, and live your experiences. But how much of the life you are living is authentic and how much of it is influenced by others?

If we study the definition of ‘life’, it is fundamentally the capacity for growth. Part of ‘living’ is our individual physical experience while the other more significant part lies in the power, focus and creation of it.  

But how much of the way we live our lives within our groups and sub-groups is the all too predictable textbook-type life?

If you were told you could choose to live your wildest fantasies and be or do whatever your heart desired without judgment or prohibition, what would that look like? Would you still have married the same person or married at all? Would you still have chosen to live in the same suburb or even country? Would you still have selected the same career or religion?

Would you have chosen to do things a little (or a lot) differently had someone not intervened, pressured, persuaded, or even controlled you otherwise?

Would you have walked the same path?

We often follow the path of least resistance. And this makes sense. If our choices could prevent criticism and rejection and we could avoid having to defend or explain our position, then it would seem reasonable to comply with societal demands.

Except, pleasing others is a mighty price to pay. It does not elevate our joy, expand our growth, broaden our perspective, enhance our quality of life and it certainly does not satisfy, excite, or uplift us. Though maneuvering around other people’s opinions is exhausting, we tend to master contorting ourselves to fit into the illusory world view grafted by societal projections.

However, how does one navigate around inner truth and desire?

Does preferring to keep the peace around us warrant our sacrifice for true happiness?

For some of us the answer is yes because it may seem more problematic and laborious being ourselves and following our bliss than it is to bow our heads and be governed by the masses and our superiors.

Our influencers can be rather forceful as we find ourselves pressured by our peers, parents, partners, culture, religion, society, gender and by so many other sub-groups we may have fallen or been born into.

It may be particularly difficult to say ‘no’ to an arranged marriage because our culture expects it, choosing same-sex partnership because our religion forbids it, opting out of college because our parents insist it, or even saying no to drugs because our peers solicit it.

All these collectively become obnoxious noises that silence our inner compass.

Whether our influencers are well intentioned or not, we have a yearning to please those closest to us. Unfortunately, the pat on the back is temporary before there are new requests and demands.

Some societal expectations are as age old as our cultural ones. We are not only encouraged but there is a quiet expectancy to follow societal programmed normalcies that satisfy trends, hypes, and requirements in order to belong.

Our need to ‘control’ each other is highly due to how other people’s actions and choices will affect us. For there to be harmony, we are not only adapting our own lives to suit others, but we are also to some degree controlling the lives of others to suit our needs and predominantly, soothe our fears.

Ironically, our greatest supporters are also our greatest influencers. Most of the pressure comes from our parents and partners. Though the intentions are always well meaning, the message is that anything less than their demands is not good enough.

The desire to avoid conflict, harsh judgement and rejection often leads to compromising our authenticity, dreams, and aspirations. But it also induces rage, frustration, resentment, and depression. 

When we are changing anything about ourselves no matter how small or large, we are being intentionally dismissive of our own guidance, our own spirit and make up of who we are. Essentially, we remain never feeling completely satisfied. Kind of like eating whatever we can find to substitute the ice-cream craving we have been purposely avoiding. In the end, that old cookie sitting in our drawer, the little container of mints at the bottom of our bag or spoonful of sugar just does not cut it.

Substituting what feels normal or natural for some cheap external counterfeit version of our life is not going to yield a rewarding life experience.

When we deny our authenticity, we deny ourselves the most palatable part of living. That which makes life exciting and satisfying.

My husband grew up with atlas in hand. His curiosity of the world had made him impressively knowledgeable that even annoyed some of his early elementary teachers when he corrected them on their geography.

He prides himself not only of his knowledge of countries, cities, main landmarks, and history but also of terrains, rivers, mountains, and ecosystems. He enjoys when I test him by showing him random images from Instagram – particularly of mountains – that he tries to identify simply by the details of the mountain peaks and surrounding land.

His greatest passion heavily involved altitude climbing. His love of mountains inspired him to move to Seattle where he lived and worked for a short time allowing him the proximity and convenience to climb Mt Rainier and surrounding mountains. But his thoughts, desire, research and eyes were on the queen of all mountain peaks – Mt Everest.

Scarred with many cracks, she proudly claims the title of the tallest mountain in the world, 20,035 feet (8,848 meters) above sea level to be exact. Her towering, majestic beauty has captured the attention of many extremists and climbers alike who are up for the challenge of her unpredictability and rugged landscape.

Whether it is a personal pursuit to push one’s own limits or sought to find a spiritual awakening, Everest offers what no other physical challenge does, a stairway as close to the heavens as one could be. 

Anyone who knows my husband knows of his dream. I too had come to know this when we met. I noticed a large selection of VHS videos (that is how far back his interest went), magazines and books that covered stories, documentaries and facts about this mountain including prior expeditions. Initially, he had expressed interest in honeymooning in the Himalayas by spending a short time at base camp. Maybe he thought it would be a great opportunity to ‘dip his toes’ into this dream while concurrently exposing me to this beloved vision.

Of course, my knowledge was minimal to none, but the Himalayas sounded exotic which made me willing and eager for an adventurous honeymoon. Until I began my research and realized what my husband was proposing. As my interest grew and I absorbed myself in the many stories and facts surrounding Everest including many of the expeditions, deaths and survival narratives told, my fear grew as quickly as my opposition to this idea. Though it was an easier task to change our honeymoon destination, it was not as easy convincing my husband of the danger of this dream overall. Of course, it was the danger that existed only in my mind based on my focus of unsuccessful climbs and gruesome stories.

Though his parents and some extended relatives could not convince him otherwise, I was the reason to his change of mind even if it had never changed his heart. Maybe it was his love for me as I pleaded how the worst scenario would selfishly affect me. Maybe I had captured his attention and offered something a little more than his dream of climbing. Maybe I had even delivered an impressive argument that may not have convinced him of the dangers I desperately attempted to prove, but instead of my absolute fear of them.

I remember the look on his face after his final and desperate attempt to receive my blessing and I had instead pleaded, argued, and insisted he let go of this dream. I could almost see the fire in his eyes dim and feel the thick smog of sheer disappointment and heartbreak in the air.

He had never verbally agreed to give up his passion and I was torn between feeling like his foe and the crippling fear of my worst nightmare becoming reality. I hated being responsible for beating down the love of my life’s spirit but to have approved of his dream meant I would also have to accept the possibility of losing him.

I had made it personal. I expected to be his priority. I expected to be his joy and the apple of his eye. Except, I failed to realize that none of us come into this physical world in promise to make others happy…even our partners. We are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness but our own.

In fact, “The greatest gift you could give anyone is your own happiness” is expressed perfectly by Abraham Hicks.

As time went by and it was no longer spoken about, I softened to the idea even though I kept it to myself. I also realized how incredibly expensive it is to do an expedition such as this. Not having that kind of money to splurge may have been the deciding factor at the time. And maybe that was the sole reason that held him back.

Instead, he spent hours meticulously planning and mapping our vacations in a desperate attempt to be among nature and close to the mountains.  

So, I compromised. Since I have always enjoyed the outdoors, it was easy to immerse myself in the outdoors with him. We went on road trips, camped, and hiked till our heart’s content. During one of our trips to Glacier National Park, he had come alive. It was like witnessing someone uniting with their own light. The excitement, exhilaration, joy, and lust for life was back with a vengeance.

You see, our inner yearning never goes away, our deepest desires never disappear and who we are will never settle for anything less. Our energy, our spirit will always be restless when it is detached or disconnected from its divine self.

And after seeing his eyes filled with tears on a stunning bright morning, with coffee in hand sitting on a rock by the turquoise blue St Mary Lake before heading back home to Ohio; I witnessed the effects and impact of spiritual suppression.

There is deep sadness. Sadness for rejecting self. Sadness for neglecting our own inner guidance, desires, dreams and aspirations. Sadness for trading in our authenticity for absurd societal pressures or demands of our loved ones.

So, a couple of years later, we moved. Glacier National Park has become our home and frequent playground. I now accompany him on many hikes. I have attempted and even hiked to the top of many mountain peaks and he continues to tell me some repeat stories of when he lived in Seattle and climbed Mt Rainier. He recounts the sights, the smells, and the sounds of nature with delight that these new surroundings remind him of. He describes his feelings of soloing through new or familiar routes, the people he met along the way and the obstacles he encountered. And of course, his highlight about the marmot that sat on his shoulder and shared a soggy subway sandwich with him at the summit of Rainier as he watched life below.

He continues to hike various trails that each deliver their own unique destination prize. I attempt most with him and other times he goes alone; but EVERY TIME he is ecstatic with appreciation, inspiration, challenge, novelty, nature, and freedom.

‘This is my religion’ he often says as he stops to consume his surroundings. And now I see the flame and twinkle in his eyes and the air has magic and magnetism saturated with gratitude.

Was it right to make him live his life soothing my fears? Was it fair to completely sabotage a dream based on my negative perspective of it? The answer is no.

No-one should live someone else’s life, someone else’s thoughts, fears, expectations, or perspectives. It should never be about what anyone else thinks, even and sometimes especially when it is our parents or partners as they can be our greatest influencers.

We all have our own internal guidance. This guidance is in the form of desire, passion, excitement, clarity, and joy. When we take away someone’s passion, we take away their own journey in life – their yellow brick road. No-one is responsible for living our lives or behaving in a way that makes us feel better and safer. Interestingly we care too much about each other’s approval.

There are some of us brave enough to follow our hearts and when we do, extraordinary things happen. Not only do we have remarkable experiences, but we become this magnificence. We become that someone others want to be, and the inspiration they seek. We unequivocally become the more enhanced, expanded version of ourselves.

Such as…

A young eighteen year old by the name of Maggie Doyne who was four years college bound had woken up one morning with a question. A question that had changed her life and the lives of those around her. What do I want in my life? This question led her to pack up and travel the world. A world that had taught her more than anything she could have learned within the walls of a university. Her travels had not only offered an indulgence of experiences but of incredible inspiration. An isolated experience had brought her to her life’s work.

Literally, staring into the eyes of young orphans as a result of disease and civil war, witnessing their struggles and beaming spirits in a remote Himalayan village, it had completely changed her perspective of life. Her eagerness to make a difference in at least one child’s life had quickly multiplied. Within a short time, Maggie had purchased land using the five thousand dollars of her life savings that were wired to her by her parents. By the age of twenty-three, Maggie is raising over 200 orphaned children.

Along with education, medical treatment and food supply, the children will be the first literate generation of their families.

“The beauty of all of us is that we have talents and we have gifts’, says Miss Doyne. “The world would change when we wake up every day and know we wouldn’t rather be anywhere else in the world, doing any other kind of work. Everything we need we have right now – your body, your mind and that sense of I can do anything.”

Her story may have been different if her parents had pressured her into staying in college. Or they spewed their fears and concerns about her traveling alone as a young woman in countries that may not be deemed safe. Or they refused to wire her whole life savings and tried to persuade her that she was being foolish living in such a poverty-stricken country. Or insisted she was throwing her education away for a random, youthful dream.

These conversations happen every day. But worst of all, most of us listen.

So, when you find yourself tiptoeing around life and fearing those who may cause discomfort and turbulence or you catch yourself defending your position, ask yourself: What happens when I stop living this predictable life; one that family, society, culture, or religion expect of me? What happens when I follow my own guidance than the predetermined one family, society, culture, or religion demands of me? What happens when I follow my own journey and listen to my own inner voice?

This happens.

Great things happen.

Every time.

Everything in life is a resource for inspiration. Use it to create your own masterpiece rather than squeezing into the programmed, predictable ways of society.

Follow your heart instead of the crowd that you have been socially conditioned into.

Do not be willing to give up your dream for a mediocre, predictable, chronological life.

It is your life and you should live it any weird, wacky and wonderful way you choose.

Embrace it.

And, ‘Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail” – Ralph Waldo Emerson