What will people think if you gained a few extra pounds, lost your hair or aged a little more?
What will people think if you did not go to college, dropped out of high school, married outside your culture or chose not to have children?
What will people think if you dated the same sex, switched religions, changed gender or lived the van life?
If you were asked what you thought people would think about the way you choose to live your life or an aspect of it, most of you would respond with the shrug of the shoulders. Most of you would say, ‘Who cares!’
We do not want to care or even believe we care except that, well, we do. We care too much. We care so much it affects the way we behave, the choices we make in life and how we express ourselves. We care so much we spend a lifetime molding, packaging and perfecting ourselves in order to score likeability and popularity points.
When we worry about how other people perceive us, we are concerned about their negative judgements and opinions. With so much of others’ opinions being shoved in our faces and the multiple avenues in which to do so, it is hard not to notice disapproval and even harder to ignore dogmatic, intolerant critiques.
Even insignificant things such as what we wear, the color and cut of our hair, our piercings, hobbies and interests can become topics of nasty gossip. And if petty subjects such as these could initiate such a stir, imagine the societal and cultural pressure on more important aspects of our life.
Therefore, much like our social media platforms, we attempt to stuff each part of our life with platefuls of likes. The more likes, the better we feel about ourselves. It gives us the thumbs up or validation that we are accepted. Unfortunately, our true desires are traded in for temporary glorifications.
Of course, not all of what we think about each other is negative. However, we become incredibly cautious and sensitive about what others think about us that we cannot find enough ways to stand on our heads to impress.
We want the pat on the back, the hundreds of followers and likes on our social media, the compliments, flattery, applause and admiration. We love being adored. We enjoy being uplifted. We appreciate knowing we are valued.
Unfortunately, we have become so obsessed with the approval of others, we have yet to figure out our own intentions and joy.
But, when did we determine we were not brilliant, worthy or valued?
When did we come to believe external validations were essential to our well-being?
When did we conclude our happiness and purpose in life is firmly held in the conviction of others?
When we learned early on the perception of others mattered. When we learned approval earns us all the valuable things in life such as love, respect and acceptance. When we learned love is conditional.
And this began with our parents.
Before we even had the opportunity to discover who we are and what we want; we were informed, groomed, molded, persuaded and influenced into our paths.
The fear of rejection or disappointing others has kept our personal desires at a distance.
So, we follow step by step plans set up by someone else that is considered the surest, safest and most advantageous for all.
Pleasing our parents meant being treated with love, attention and affection. We gained affection when we did what was pleasing and rejected when we did not. If we made choices or behaved in a way that was displeasing, this ‘love’ was taken away. We were scolded for actions deemed inappropriate and rewarded for behavior agreeable to them. We call this type of ‘please me’ training discipline.
As extensions of our families, we dare not give reasons for others to gossip and attract negative attention unless they evoke envy. Our families like to keep this in check because even if we may be feeling rebellious, stubborn or courageous about living the lives we choose, our families generally do not share the same passion and will go to great lengths to prevent such shame.
They will promptly effort to ‘cover’ our diversities, faults and eccentricities in hopes not to stand out in the crowd as a way of shielding us from a cruel world, protecting us from emotional and physical harm whilst preserving their own reputation. But hiding and silencing parts of who we are or how we live our lives is minimizing our worth and creating a state of internal inadequacy. It deteriorates our self-esteem and makes us feel as though our whole self is flawed or subject to exclusion.
We have all been dipped and draped in shame at some time in our lives. We have felt the effects of ridicule, banter and insult about our appearance, behavior, intelligence, choices or way of life.
Consequently, we quickly learn the necessity to conform so that others could lazily and conditionally love us. We understand our harmony is contingent on how we look, behave and the choices we make to satisfy the vast majority.
In fact, everything is contingent upon external satisfaction.
Contingent we follow our parents’ rules, demands and wishes; we will be embraced. Contingent we follow societal direction and expectations; we will be accepted. Contingent we follow religious oaths and practices; we will be blessed.
Therefore, from a very early age, we discover this wonderful life we have been born into is mostly off limits. Much like kindergarten where every creative activity is instructional and the more precisely we simulated this direction, the more praise, rewards and acknowledgment we received.
We learn more about human behavior, habits, expectations and how to mimic these than we do exploring our desires and creative potential.
But this is not about blame for we are all caught up in the same societal, habitual practices.
We use each other as the path to ‘feeling good’ about self.
We rely on each other’s support and validations and work hard to be noticed.
However, there is a misconception that we can only fly high with the support of others. This could not be further from the truth because it makes us completely reliant on them and of course vulnerable to them.
Let’s face it, we will never consistently be the object of someone’s attention. People have their own lives and interests to focus on. It isn’t anyone’s responsibility to make certain we stand on our feet or permanently assure us our presence in this world is invaluable.
And no one wants to carry us around on their shoulders like the trophies we want to feel like.
When we do not believe in our own visions and we deny our brilliance, we search for it elsewhere. Except, in a world where people only make judgments on face value and are challenged at seeing the inner light, we work hard to prove ourselves through actions. It is a sensory and action-based world therefore, people tend to only approve of what they see, hear, taste, touch and smell. Additionally, when the mind is conditioned into pre-existing approved behaviors, so too do we replicate and mimic those.
There is a whole world of judgement and criticism and we are living in it. We are not only experiencing it but adding to it. This judgement does not come from a place of cruelty or evil. It comes from a place of self-disconnection. It comes from our own inner critic and bully.
When we are disconnected from our inner self, it leaves us feeling insecure, confused and fearful. We have been thoroughly trained to believe other people carry all the knowledge and information about who we are we spend a lifetime searching for ourselves through the eyes, hearts and minds of others.
Therefore, our interest in what others think can be so obsessive and neurotic, we use what others think of us as our guidance.
We understand that what people think is out of our control. We attempt to control this by learning what pleases them. However, there are infinite interpretations, beliefs and expectations; it would be impossible to please everyone at once. So, we also control this by keeping different parts of our lives separate. It would be an interesting predicament having to be in the same space as our best friend and our boss.
Sometimes we even prefer to spend time with our large circle of friends separately than collectively due to the diversity of personalities, opinions and expectations.
Ultimately, we seek mutuality. Moreover, while we strive to find common ground, shared interests and kinship, the only mutuality one should seek for is the relationship between self and desire.
We sacrifice our free will the moment we worry about what others think because we continue to tweak, modify or tailor ourselves to please others.
Everything in this physical life is moving energy. We are surrounded by it all the time. There are infinite sensory stimulants and everything we focus on is interpreted through our own inner lens.
How we translate what we focus on is a story, a rendezvous or experience between us and that which we hold as the object of our attention. The experience will be shaped based on where we stand in our personal journeys. For example, we may choose to have a glass of wine for the simple pleasure of it or drink to suppress negative emotions. The experience is personal, specific and individualized. In the same manner, when we focus on someone, our interpretation of them is solely based on where we stand emotionally.
Therefore, how a thing, situation or person is translated by another is not our business. That includes how others interpret us. Some may like us, some may not, some may be inspired by us and some may find us completely irritating. It isn’t our job to perfect their interpretation of us. When we are not in a virtuous place, neither would what we observe. Therefore, it would be unwise to settle for the opinions of those who are not even feeling good about who they are much less like who we are. And it would be an unqualified betrayal, neglect and rejection to our inner extraordinaire.
Besides, wouldn’t we prefer to indulge in the highest source of opinion – our inner being?
You are all creators yet cannot completely grasp that concept. You are painters and yet you hold onto your paintbrushes and ask: ‘What do I paint? What is the “right” way to paint? What should I include?’
It is your masterpiece. You decide what it should look like. You have this idea that there is a right and wrong way or that there is a best and better way. You analyze every stroke of your paintbrush weary of your decision for now it remains there permanently. You compare your painting with others. You seek advice and guidance on what to add or include. You even allow the critiques and influence of others to alter your vision.
It is your canvas. You are the creator of it. Why are you so unsure of what you want?
Because you cannot grasp you are the creator of your own reality and life experience or that it is your prerogative to decide how you express your inner sparkle and live your bliss!
Artists look for inspiration. They gather stimuli and create their own masterpiece. They do not ask other artists what to paint? They do not seek validation or approval. Nor do they compulsively concern themselves with ensuring their product is received in the exact manner it was produced. They simply create their vision and allow others to appreciate, define, analyze or interpret it in any way it is of value to them.
Much like people, art is diverse and can be translated in many ways. We need only to create and joyfully express the unique versions of ourselves whilst those who stop to observe and absorb us will be inspired to create something anew.
The most beautiful thing about life is the fun in experiencing creation. It is the infinite journey of becoming. Through creating there is freedom. You have come into this physical world free to express yourself and experience life in whatever way your imagination and joyful creation takes you.
“Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice” – Steve Jobs.
Instead, be the greatest version of your highest vision.
And remember, people often have a strong opinion on something they know nothing about – you!